Monday Weigh In and Issues

Uh oh…

Starting Weight: 268.8 lbs

Last Week:           235.6 lbs

Current:                240.2 lbs

I hate to say it, because I don’t like weighing myself more than once a week, but I’m going to weigh myself again tomorrow. If that is a real influx of weight, then I need to do something. I am weighing out of my next diet bet this week. A weight like that will have me losing, and I don’t want that. I will check again tomorrow. Perhaps the soup that I made last night had more salt than I thought. Or… something. I hope there is something. I already said goodbye to the 240’s, I’m not looking forward to a reunion.

I have discovered that I’m pretty judgmental about how people lose weight. I am against surgery to do it. I realize that there are people that have gotten to the point of life and death when it comes to their weight, but other than that, I believe that people should do the work to get the results. I had been following a blog for over a year. She is overweight and trying to lose weight. I’ve watched her yo yo through a few fads this past year with no success. She just doesn’t stick with anything much beyond the initial water weight loss. Now, she wants to go for gastric bypass surgery. She’s talking about all of her food restrictions before and after the surgery, and how she’s looking forward to it because she thrives with set rules. No you don’t! If you did, then you would have stuck with your initial diet of eating healthier and moving more. She had a plan and did great while she stuck with it. Surgery isn’t an easy way out. It won’t bring you to your goal. You still need to work. If you’re a food addict before, you still will be after. Only now, a binge could be fatal. She needs to exercise and restrict her calories for a while before the surgery. I’m hoping that she’ll realize that is just what she needed to do all along. We are worth the effort and time. In a world where we want everything now, I can see why we want our results quicker too. We didn’t get here overnight. We’re not going to find our way out overnight either.

We need to deal with our issues to make any progress. Something got us here. We buried something, some pain, with the temporary joy that food can bring. Without fixing the problem, we’re going to keep running up against it. I am kind of miserable this week. I should have a newborn snuggled up with me, but I lost my pregnancy earlier this year. I rubbed against that thought at the beginning of October and brushed it off, and a couple of times in the past couple of weeks. Now this morning, it slapped me in the face. I wonder if it was going to be a boy or a girl. I thought boy. I’m going to be thinking about him a lot, and I’m going to come to terms with this somehow. I need to forgive me. I’m not going to add this to the pile of reasons that I hide. I also don’t want to be haunted by these feelings forever. At least, not this strongly.

So tonight, I am heading to CrossFit once again. They will kick my butt, and I will say thank you. I think that I finally recovered yesterday. My legs were quite useless. Good thing I had plenty more boxes to move. Yes, I’m still moving. I’m up to my books. My giant bookcases do not seem to have survived very well. They may need to be replaced. That’s a task for another day.

Music is Therapy

I am moody. I know it. It is almost a joke among my friends. However, my bad moods are not in line with my healthy happy present I am striving for. My biggest brooding topic is my relationship with my boyfriend. We have had a rocky past (off and on again for 12 years). I haven’t forgiven or forgotten any of the catalysts that broke us up before. So, since I’m also obsessive by nature, when I have quiet time with myself I go over every miserable moment in detail. It leaves me feeling deflated, insecure, and hating myself. I have found a bandaid for such a tragic train of thought… music. Not just happy music, that doesn’t do it. By golly, I think I found the song that we will dance to if (when) we get married. Now that is a happy day dream I can roll around my head all day.

I still struggle to focus on the good, the now. Him being gone for so long doesn’t help. But, if I focus on the good thoughts and dreams in my head, maybe I can bring them to me. I really want my happily ever after.

I haven’t lost as much weight as I wanted to by his return. Will he notice the difference? Will he care? Will I give up on my changes once he is back? We haven’t eaten instant potatoes since he left. He’s a meat and potatoes guy. We’ve been light meats and veggies girls. I’ve been lucky to have been slightly isolated for my changes. It is easy to control your environment when you’re the only adult in it. With him, comes chips and dips. He doesn’t believe in organic foods either. We’re not on the same page nutritionally. Maybe he won’t care as long as he’s being fed. On the other side, I can go jogging when ever I want because he’ll be there. I won’t have to put off working out because my daughter doesn’t want to go. She can stay home with him. He used to run track. I wonder if he’d want to run with me. I wonder if I would be ok with him doing that. Or watching me.

And this is why I don’t have caffeine. My train of thought just takes off. I’m going to hit repeat and dance my afternoon away, in my head.

There IS a word for it

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So there’s a word for it somewhere. I don’t see it being used in conversation here. “I can’t fit into my pants, I picked up some grief bacon.” “I can’t wear that, my grief bacon is hanging out.”

Ok, I can see it being used. It makes the weight seem funny, when it really isn’t. But, it also means that there are multiple cultures with the same problem. Let’s break this unfulfilling habit. Find something that soothes you, that isn’t food. I like the idea of meditation. My head always seems to busy, but I’ve been told that the more practice you get quieting your mind, the better at it you will become.

No more grief bacon.

Friday Weigh In

I figured out why my ankle hurts! It is the way I sit at work. I curl my foot around the bottom of my chair. When I move it from there, I get a twinge of pain. I’m going to sit flat footed for the rest of the day and see how I do.

I have also decided to do a Friday weigh in, in addition to my Monday ones. I would like a touch more accountability to my weekends. So I’ll give it a whirl for this week and see if I like it.

Starting Weight: 268.8 lbs

Monday:               246.2 lbs

Current:                243.6 lbs

Happy dance! 2.6 lbs gone. Not to return. Not even on Monday. That means I am less than 2 lbs away from losing 10% of my body weight since I started. I’m close to my first reward. It has been sitting patiently waiting for me to get it together. I’m getting it!

I have recovered from my grumpy session yesterday. My arm is a bit bruised from my blood donation and I’m a little sluggish today. That is normal for me after donating. Today, I am cleaning and organizing more after work. I have one week to get the house presentable for when my boyfriend comes home. I can’t wait to see him. A month is way too long. I didn’t get to order the wood for our bonfires like I wanted. Every place is wicked expensive! I was hoping to have a half cord stacked for him by the time he got home, but I don’t see it happening now. We’re supposed to have fantastic fall weather this weekend. I’m planning on jogging tomorrow. I need to redo week 2 of C25k. That would be why I didn’t post any successful runs this week. But that’s ok. I’m still making progress. That is all I ask of me.

Is today over yet?

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Pumpkin smoothie, yay! Asking for recipes pays off. Other than that, I am just miserable today. I had an interview, and totally kicked butt. However, the hours are not as advertised, so it makes it near impossible for me to accept the position. I then went to donate blood. I was in tears over a pregnancy question (another issue to resolve), and they really had to fish around to get a vein. I had lost my color by the time they got it. And now an evil creature is commenting on my boyfriend’s posts on Facebook. I can’t even go for a jog to clear my head. The stairs make me dizzy. I need more water.

I’m just going to sit here and cry until I have to go pick up my daughter. I see an early night in my future. I’m just done with today.

Declutter my life

I clean when I go through the process of regaining my health. There is something about that forward momentum that allows me to let go (emotionally and of stuff). I tend to hit a point where my system says, “Stop. You’ve had enough” when I’m in full swing, filling garbage bags. Removing clutter shocks my system. Letting go makes me feel chaotic. I require stability to thrive. As I’m moving all of this stuff into my new home, I am going through it. I am throwing things away, donating them, putting them in a yard sale pile, and just reminiscing. It is mentally exhausting. I hold onto so much stuff, no wonder I allow myself to be weighed down. I need to lighten everything. I’m making progress and that is all I can ask of me. I will not allow myself to sit stagnant again.

Yesterday, I built some metal shelves in the basement to hold my items that are stored on a more permanent basis. I’ll be moving boxes down there as I’ve repacked them. I’m a little afraid to dig into the more personal items. I’ll do it though. I don’t want my boyfriend coming home to the maze of boxes that it has become. I should post a picture. It is funny, if it weren’t so sad… I have 11 days to go.

Kryptonite

I was frozen in place. A solid 2 minutes I stood there, my mouth hanging open. Barely registering the people walking by me. I couldn’t even think. I have been doing so well with my food planning, and sticking to healthy choices when I fail to plan well. I don’t even buy junk for the house anymore. How could I forget what was coming? Way worse than any birthday cake, office donuts, or outing with friends… It is pumpkin season. What had me frozen in place? Pepperidge Farms has a huge display showcasing their Pumpkin Cheesecake Cookies. Let’s say that again. Pumpkin Cheesecake Cookies. I love pumpkin flavored anything. I mean, I LOOOVE pumpkin.

I… Walked… Away. Oh but now I know it is everywhere! Pumpkin Coffee is back at Dunkin’ Donuts. I haven’t had coffee in ages. My coffee, when I get it the way I like, is like 300 calories. I need help, and this is where you can help me. I am looking for healthy pumpkin recipes. I won’t make it the entire season without indulging in something, but if I can have something healthy(er) on hand, then it will keep me from having an all out free for all on pumpkin flavored goodness.

I always say that you can have a treat now and then. All things in moderation… But, I know, historically speaking, that doesn’t apply to my pumpkin frenzy. This is a trigger for me. Couch cuddling, sweater wearing, apple picking, Fall flavored pumpkin happiness. But food isn’t happiness… Ugh! Give me what you’ve got! Pumpkin recipes.. Go!

Me: 1 Vending Machine: 0

Ok, so I didn’t order out for lunch yesterday like I was supposed to. I tried to stick it out with my abundance of veggies. 3:00 rolls around and where am I? In the cafeteria browsing the vending machine. I haven’t looked at that thing in ages! Then, I see it! Tucked in the bottom corner… dried fruit. It hit me, I have dried cranberries in my desk! I have pumpkin seeds too! Snack is served. Although I am now out of cranberries and pumpkin seeds, they did their job and got me through my day.

I really enjoy dried fruits and trail mixes, but I need to be really careful with them. I am allergic to sulfa and all of its sulfite variants (buying shampoo is also a challenge). Last time I failed to check a label I turned fun colors and tried to scratch my skin off.

I kicked my butt on the elliptical and started my leg exercises on the machines after. I wish that I could say that I didn’t finish my planned workout because my legs were too tired to continue. I can’t. People just kept showing up. I was already hiding in the women’s area of the gym, and there were just so many. These little creatures have waists the size of my thigh. So I got too self-conscious to continue. I was beet read, dripping sweat and just felt like there was a spotlight on my head. I know it wasn’t. Knowing and feeling are two very different things and they do not always agree. I’ll be going again today for W1D2 of C25k. I’ll see what exercises I can do after my treadmill time. I really was wiped out last time. Hopefully I’ll make it further and further each time.

I must allow myself to succeed

Dishes are done. Two loads of laundry are complete. I’ve begun to dust. The problem with all of this? This is how I avoid working on my final. I sat down to work on my essays for my final, and then it hit me… I need to do everything else but my final. I’m even writing here. I just need to focus and get it over with. I do not know why finishing things are so… difficult for me. I shouldn’t say difficult, it is easy enough. I just don’t want to. I have another class lined up, so it isn’t like I’ll be in limbo. It is so very frustrating to deal with me.

Here’s the plan (because I need a plan). I will answer one problem before I do anything else. That is the deal that I am making with myself. I need to at least finish one more problem before I call it a night. If I don’t, then I’ll be freaking out tomorrow and I don’t really need any more stress.

I need to get out of my own way. This applies to so many aspects of my life. I do not like to struggle. I don’t know why I insist on doing it.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

While eating dinner with my daughter, she started talking about how we’re eating healthier foods. She believes that her belly has gotten smaller as a result. She started looking at me with an apprehensive expression on her face. “My friend Sara’s mom put her on a diet. This is not a topic that I wanted to tackle with my daughter at the age of 9. I told her that a diet is everything we eat, and that sometimes people add more of some things and less of others. Then, I asked if she knew why they changed Sara’s diet. She said no. I then explained that it could be something like a new food allergy or something suggested by her doctor. The way she mentioned it, it seemed that it had to do with weight loss, so I asked if that was why she mentioned her belly. It was. I then pointed out that she just finished a growth spurt, and that she’s been running around outside a whole lot more than previously. Both will shrink her belly.

Her new health teacher was also speaking about a healthy diet yesterday. She told the class that they should only eat half of their meal when they go out to a restaurant. Along with that, she had that they should drink 8 8oz glasses of water a day. 64 ounces of water is a lot for a 70 lb child. Isn’t it half your weight in ounces? Like, my girl should have 35 ounces of water? Kids meals are not all that big. My girl will be starving if she ate half a sandwich and a few apple slices. The teacher was also promoting skim milk. Children’s bodies require fat. Also, aren’t they trying to introduce aspartame into low fat milks? We will have none of that toxic junk here. I’m not too happy with the health teacher thus far.

She’s eating less processed stuff right along with me. My intent is not to trim down my already slender girl. I want us to be healthier. For me, more slender will come from that. For her, she will just continue to grow as she is supposed to. We consume every part of the food pyramid. I told her that if she’s hungry, then she should eat. Don’t stuff yourself, don’t starve yourself, listen to your body.

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