Patting myself on the back

After yesterday, I came to the conclusion that I need to ease up on myself. I do accomplish a lot. It sure doesn’t help that I beat myself up all of the time.

So, here’s a little pat on the back. I didn’t sleep well last night. Once the sun started rising, instead of laying in bed brooding further, I got up and went for a walk. I looped all around town until it started raining on me. And just a few minutes ago, I was beginning to rummage the leftover Chinese food in the fridge. I know that I have way better choices around me. However, I stopped when I realized that I was just very thirsty. 20 oz of water or so later and I’m mildly content.

I was going to apologize to my boyfriend for being cranky at him, but changed my mind. I started crying again when I was typing it. Maybe I don’t need to apologize. I just wish he understood. I wish he could understand without me having to explain. I wish I didn’t respond so strongly to all these feelings. Its a never ending flood (much like the basement). I don’t think that he and I are going to make it through this together. I just need to accept that possibility and start to build my own life again. I don’t even remember him not being in my life. We’re on about 13 years. Even when we weren’t together, we’ve been together. He’s the only constant that I’ve had in my adult life.

Ok, I’m going to try and be done with my pity party. I’m hopping firmly onto Team Nicole tomorrow. I know that I can do great things with me, I just need to get out of my way.

Grr…

I have issues. Lots of them. I think that the bulk of my weight issues come from my others. The feelings of not being worthy, or valuable, or loved, or a lot of other miserable things that run through my head. I am waiting. Waiting for my boyfriend to return (if he ever decides to), waiting to lose just a few more pounds, waiting to be happy, to finish my degree, waiting to whatever else my procrastination sinks its claws into. I don’t know how to stop. Every now and then, I’ll dig my heels in and concentrate on me, the things that are important to me, that help me. Then somehow I always stumble and sink right back to where I was.

I’m so tired of being miserable all the time. No wonder he doesn’t want to come back. I’d run away from me if I could too. But I can’t, and I need to do better than just cope. I want to thrive and I am just stuck in my head. My insecurities are suffocating me. I require reassurance, but it is kind of meaningless if you have to beg for it. I wish he could be just a bit more sensitive toward me and my menu of issues. Hell, he’s the one that gave me most of them. I want to scream at him that this isn’t fair. Him fleeing to the other side of the world is pretty much him bailing on us… again. I know that he takes care of us, but he’s not here. Presence really matters and he just doesn’t get that. How can you choose to be away and still say that you care?

I need to clean. I need someone to come over while I clean. Just to chat and have company. My daughter just doesn’t fit the bill. I can’t chat with her about real topics. She just talks about the games that she plays and I need adult, substantial conversation. I know that was a topic jump, but it fits in. I NEED to get rid of this clutter. It is squishing me and adding to my unhappiness. *Sigh* can someone just wave a magic wand and fix me?

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