Music is Therapy

I am moody. I know it. It is almost a joke among my friends. However, my bad moods are not in line with my healthy happy present I am striving for. My biggest brooding topic is my relationship with my boyfriend. We have had a rocky past (off and on again for 12 years). I haven’t forgiven or forgotten any of the catalysts that broke us up before. So, since I’m also obsessive by nature, when I have quiet time with myself I go over every miserable moment in detail. It leaves me feeling deflated, insecure, and hating myself. I have found a bandaid for such a tragic train of thought… music. Not just happy music, that doesn’t do it. By golly, I think I found the song that we will dance to if (when) we get married. Now that is a happy day dream I can roll around my head all day.

I still struggle to focus on the good, the now. Him being gone for so long doesn’t help. But, if I focus on the good thoughts and dreams in my head, maybe I can bring them to me. I really want my happily ever after.

I haven’t lost as much weight as I wanted to by his return. Will he notice the difference? Will he care? Will I give up on my changes once he is back? We haven’t eaten instant potatoes since he left. He’s a meat and potatoes guy. We’ve been light meats and veggies girls. I’ve been lucky to have been slightly isolated for my changes. It is easy to control your environment when you’re the only adult in it. With him, comes chips and dips. He doesn’t believe in organic foods either. We’re not on the same page nutritionally. Maybe he won’t care as long as he’s being fed. On the other side, I can go jogging when ever I want because he’ll be there. I won’t have to put off working out because my daughter doesn’t want to go. She can stay home with him. He used to run track. I wonder if he’d want to run with me. I wonder if I would be ok with him doing that. Or watching me.

And this is why I don’t have caffeine. My train of thought just takes off. I’m going to hit repeat and dance my afternoon away, in my head.

There IS a word for it

So there’s a word for it somewhere. I don’t see it being used in conversation here. “I can’t fit into my pants, I picked up some grief bacon.” “I can’t wear that, my grief bacon is hanging out.”

Ok, I can see it being used. It makes the weight seem funny, when it really isn’t. But, it also means that there are multiple cultures with the same problem. Let’s break this unfulfilling habit. Find something that soothes you, that isn’t food. I like the idea of meditation. My head always seems to busy, but I’ve been told that the more practice you get quieting your mind, the better at it you will become.

No more grief bacon.

Day 1

I have to say, I am very happy about my first day. I’m big on planning when I am making important decisions or changes and I have laid my groundwork out. On my way into the office this morning, I bought a scale to keep at work. I then weighed myself and took a few minutes to recover. I am now at my all time high, 268.8 lbs. I’m a full 16 lbs over my pregnancy weight. Although I really wanted to punish myself, instead, I took  that knowledge and went over to one of my favorite weight loss sites, I love this site, and I love the program. I have even enjoyed some great success while using it and the community that it provides. However, I have an unhealthy relationship with food with some underlying issues. To really work Jillian’s program, you can’t hide from your issues and fears. You need to jump right into them and, not only cope, but really face and move beyond. I get to a point, around 30 lbs lost, and then I end up curled up in bed for a week or so trying to hide from myself. Not easy to do… But this was a pleasant visit to Jillian’s site because I was there for information; I need my “magic number”. Your magic number is the number of calories that you may eat per day to meet your goals. Mine, in this instance, is a goal of losing 2 lbs/week, which gives me 1647 calories per day. I came in under by 18 calories. Woo!

I work in a cubicle, but not in a cube farm. I am a lone cubicle surrounded by (mostly empty) offices. When I start moving again, I like to do what I call Cube Circuits. These are simple exercises that require no extra tools and can be done discretely in my cube. Today’s goal, which I met, was 1000 reps total, and my exercises included squats, punches, leg extensions, arm circles, and a move that I have named a kickback (pretty much, I stand there and try to kick my own butt). Tomorrow, I have different moves and I’m shooting for 1100 reps. I know that these don’t really take the place of a workout at the gym, but I really haven’t been moving and this is inching me in the right direction.

I love the energy that positive changes give me. I love that I can carry this extra enthusiastic oomph over to other aspects of my life. I have some good momentum coming off of day 1, I’m going to ride it right into day 2 and beyond.

Ground Zero

They say that every journey starts with a single step. I am about to take mine. I know that I am not the healthiest of people. My weight goes up and down with each diet and phase in my life. It took one week for it to sink in just how far I have let things (me) go.

I go camping every year with my daughter. It is a Mother/Daughter camping weekend, and we started when she was 5. She’s now about to turn 9. This year, we swam, sang songs, helped clean up, made friends. We had a great time. As we walked up the hill to the pavilion on our final night, I was winded. I was winded enough that I needed to stop. This is definitely new. I have torn cartilage in my knee, and it is usually the injury that slows me down. This had nothing to do with pain, and everything to do with my body being just too much for me to move well. Toss in with that overhearing my daughter tell her friends about my nap earlier in the afternoon and we have a red flag.

A few days after returning from the lake and our lovely camping trip, it was the 4th of July. My boyfriend and I went into Boston with the kids. We walked around the city in the stifling heat. They waited for me to catch up, time and time again. I get the knowing look from my boyfriend, which is all wrong. He urges me to put my knee brace on and I don’t have the ability to tell him that my knee isn’t the problem. We grab a few more frosty bottles of water and are heading back to the water for the concert when I catch it. My reflection in a passing store front. Oh. My. Goodness. When did this happen? I am so very round. How did I not notice the disappearance of my waist? It all makes sense now, moving slowly, the disappearance of my energy, and my usual drive to get things done. My flexibility has not only dwindled, I can’t even move around myself to stretch like I used to. I go to sleep with my aching joints and I now see that it is because I am carrying around a burden far too large for them to comfortably handle.

I went on with our evening with these thoughts giving a steady hum in the back of my mind. I am a problem solver, and I know that I can fix this. We all know how to lose weight. It is simple. Eat less and move more. No more “diets”, I’ve done that and it works very temporarily. My system is broken. I am looking for a full repair with a lifetime warranty, not just a quick fix.

Today is my final Day 1. Here is my first step.

Create a free website or blog at