I am moody. I know it. It is almost a joke among my friends. However, my bad moods are not in line with my healthy happy present I am striving for. My biggest brooding topic is my relationship with my boyfriend. We have had a rocky past (off and on again for 12 years). I haven’t forgiven or forgotten any of the catalysts that broke us up before. So, since I’m also obsessive by nature, when I have quiet time with myself I go over every miserable moment in detail. It leaves me feeling deflated, insecure, and hating myself. I have found a bandaid for such a tragic train of thought… music. Not just happy music, that doesn’t do it. By golly, I think I found the song that we will dance to if (when) we get married. Now that is a happy day dream I can roll around my head all day.
I still struggle to focus on the good, the now. Him being gone for so long doesn’t help. But, if I focus on the good thoughts and dreams in my head, maybe I can bring them to me. I really want my happily ever after.
I haven’t lost as much weight as I wanted to by his return. Will he notice the difference? Will he care? Will I give up on my changes once he is back? We haven’t eaten instant potatoes since he left. He’s a meat and potatoes guy. We’ve been light meats and veggies girls. I’ve been lucky to have been slightly isolated for my changes. It is easy to control your environment when you’re the only adult in it. With him, comes chips and dips. He doesn’t believe in organic foods either. We’re not on the same page nutritionally. Maybe he won’t care as long as he’s being fed. On the other side, I can go jogging when ever I want because he’ll be there. I won’t have to put off working out because my daughter doesn’t want to go. She can stay home with him. He used to run track. I wonder if he’d want to run with me. I wonder if I would be ok with him doing that. Or watching me.
And this is why I don’t have caffeine. My train of thought just takes off. I’m going to hit repeat and dance my afternoon away, in my head.