I have so much that I want to do, so much that I should do, that I get nothing done. I get flustered and caught up in my planning process, that I just want to sleep. I want to hide and give up because everything is just too much. What on Earth do I do with that? I know that it is a problem. Is that step 1? Do I need steps? Why can’t I just get over things? Why can’t I just dive in and take care of what needs to be done? Why do I have so very many trains of thought going at one time? I should sit, focus, and handle my assignments for the week. Yet, I’m evaluating my life plan. Trying to figure out where I’ve gone wrong with my relationship. Who is he out with? Why doesn’t he message me back? What the hell did I do now? I have to see him on vacation in a couple of weeks. I really wanted to lose some weight before then. Not like it would matter, he doesn’t see me for me anyways. I have finals coming up, again. Only 4 more classes to go for my Masters Degree. What am I going to do with myself after that? I’ve been a student forever. Free time is kind of terrifying. What if I don’t use it well? I should have organized more when I had time off. The basement is flooding. If I had organized a bit better, then I could have moved his stuff so that it didn’t get wet. I’d move it now, but that is where the spiders are hiding. Not that he would appreciate it anyways. Why do I keep trying? Persistence is not always a good virtue. I could be cleaning the house or doing laundry. That was how I saw that the basement was flooding yesterday. He said he wished I didn’t have to deal with all the house stuff. Is that because he doesn’t want to be a nuisance or because he cares about me? Why can’t he just say that he cares? Because he doesn’t. I need to face it. It has been over a decade of me dedicating my life to him and it will never be good enough. I was a force of nature when he found me. I didn’t deal with any of his crap. I called him out on everything. He’s worn me down. I shouldn’t be surprised that he doesn’t want the pathetic shell that he’s created. I should hop on the treadmill and have a good cry. I always feel better after the endorphin rush. I don’t know why I avoid exercise so much when I feel so much better after. Losing weight shouldn’t be difficult, it really is just taking care of your body well. Why wouldn’t you want to? Why do I feed my feelings and then feel guilty after? I don’t know what to do with the guilt, it doesn’t like food. It likes sleep. Sleeping lets my head shut up. I dream some odd crap though. Last night I was in a weird tanning place. All of the beds were in 1 room. We didn’t have any privacy to strip down or anything. I was walking around with a sheet wrapped around me. The guy that ran the place was all oiled up and wearing a speedo. I think there was a kitten too.
And this is my head when I’m on my meds. A constant reel of everything but what I need to get done.