Medication Evaluation

Yesterday was my long awaited med eval. My nifty new doctor had the same solution as my allergist, let’s double your meds! So, I guess I’m going to be happy if I like it or not. On the bright side, we ruled out me being bi-polar, but determined that my boyfriend is highly manipulative and toxic to my life. Overall, it was a productive hour and a half. We’re meeting again in a month to see how things are going.

My huge problem now… binge eating. I am stuffing my feelings down with everything in creation after my therapy sessions. I have gained a whopping 20 lbs in the last 2 months. I really wish I were over exaggerating. I’m at the point where my body is physically getting in my way and I’m at the highest weight I’ve ever been. It wasn’t really the new record that I was shooting for. It is hoped, with my new dosage, that I will be able to reign in my eating. In the mean time, I’m attempting to make healthy swaps. I’m not eating a bag of chips, I’m eating a pint of strawberries. I’m not eating fried foods, I’m eating unsalted nuts and banana chips. I’m not heading for the gallon of ice cream, I have a spoon (or several) of peanut butter. And root beer! Well, root beer beer. I found a spiced ale that tastes just like root beer and it is fabulous. I like to have a bottle while I make me do my homework. My homework is not going well. 1) I am typing on here instead of doing my paper. 2) My attention span is next to nothing right now. 3) I am so very sick of studying.

But still, I’m taking these very necessary steps to improve my mental health. I need it. I need it first. I am hoping that my physical health will be able to follow shortly.

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Healing… slowly

So here’s something new and exciting. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD. My therapist had an educated hunch, and in a session, she was guiding my memories from here to there and Boom! I curled in a ball and began sobbing. It was like I was a puppet. I didn’t make me do that, it just kind of happened. After we calmed me down and got me back in the present, she said, “I’m confident in my diagnosis. We can start discussing treatment options next session”.

Now, this is some nutty stuff for me, like it’ll challenge a whole lot of things that I’ve held as true for decades. Apparently, PTSD also causes my disconnect that I have between what I know and what I feel. And add to the list my obsessing, feelings of self-loathing, anxiety, depression, weight… All of this lousy stuff I’ve been carrying around and labeling as part of my personality. I’m a whole better me, underneath. I just need her help to get me there now.

I am eager and terrified all at once. It is a peculiar feeling. I know treatment will help me and make things a whole lot better. Yay! I know it is going to be way harder than my last session and it felt miserable and near impossible. Boo! She says that I agree with her suggestions far faster than she thought I would. My answer is simply that I know that she’s right, and although I don’t want to go through more pain, I know it will truly be better on the other side. She likes my logical approach.

In other news, I have reinstated my weekly goals. They are tiny ones because I am so far off my healthy living wagon that I can’t even catch up with a scooter. If I go back to all my changes I made at once, then I’ll be overwhelmed and crash out. Three cheers for self awareness! This week (I’m on day 2) I will make my step goal of 10k steps every day. I’m also trying to log my food and water again, but I’m not forcing it or being strict with it just yet. I’m going baby steps so that I don’t freak me out and rebel… against myself. Weird crap right there. One of my future goals will be to battle my processed sugar intake. Gummies and Twizzlers shouldn’t be a main food group, but there they are. I bought a dehydrator yesterday. My banana chips are fantastic and I have strawberries going now. I know we still have sugar there, but it feels less evil and processy. Plus! I’ll be able to make my own trail mixes that I won’t be allergic to since I won’t be dousing them in preservatives.

That’s all for now. Just a quick update. I hope everyone is doing well 🙂

My brain is too busy

I have so much that I want to do, so much that I should do, that I get nothing done. I get flustered and caught up in my planning process, that I just want to sleep. I want to hide and give up because everything is just too much. What on Earth do I do with that? I know that it is a problem. Is that step 1? Do I need steps? Why can’t I just get over things? Why can’t I just dive in and take care of what needs to be done? Why do I have so very many trains of thought going at one time? I should sit, focus, and handle my assignments for the week. Yet, I’m evaluating my life plan. Trying to figure out where I’ve gone wrong with my relationship. Who is he out with? Why doesn’t he message me back? What the hell did I do now? I have to see him on vacation in a couple of weeks. I really wanted to lose some weight before then. Not like it would matter, he doesn’t see me for me anyways. I have finals coming up, again. Only 4 more classes to go for my Masters Degree. What am I going to do with myself after that? I’ve been a student forever. Free time is kind of terrifying. What if I don’t use it well? I should have organized more when I had time off. The basement is flooding. If I had organized a bit better, then I could have moved his stuff so that it didn’t get wet. I’d move it now, but that is where the spiders are hiding. Not that he would appreciate it anyways. Why do I keep trying? Persistence is not always a good virtue. I could be cleaning the house or doing laundry. That was how I saw that the basement was flooding yesterday. He said he wished I didn’t have to deal with all the house stuff. Is that because he doesn’t want to be a nuisance or because he cares about me? Why can’t he just say that he cares? Because he doesn’t. I need to face it. It has been over a decade of me dedicating my life to him and it will never be good enough. I was a force of nature when he found me. I didn’t deal with any of his crap. I called him out on everything. He’s worn me down. I shouldn’t be surprised that he doesn’t want the pathetic shell that he’s created. I should hop on the treadmill and have a good cry. I always feel better after the endorphin rush. I don’t know why I avoid exercise so much when I feel so much better after. Losing weight shouldn’t be difficult, it really is just taking care of your body well. Why wouldn’t you want to? Why do I feed my feelings and then feel guilty after? I don’t know what to do with the guilt, it doesn’t like food. It likes sleep. Sleeping lets my head shut up. I dream some odd crap though. Last night I was in a weird tanning place. All of the beds were in 1 room. We didn’t have any privacy to strip down or anything. I was walking around with a sheet wrapped around me. The guy that ran the place was all oiled up and wearing a speedo. I think there was a kitten too.

And this is my head when I’m on my meds. A constant reel of everything but what I need to get done.

A Smile to Start My Day

While in Oman this Summer, we went on an adventure (several). We were on a mission to find a water spout on the coast. We never found it, but we did find camels hanging out on a beach. I was grinning. He was grinning. It was a fabulous moment until he leaned over my daughter to sniff her head. Then there was screaming and our moment was over. Here’s my moment.

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Patting myself on the back

After yesterday, I came to the conclusion that I need to ease up on myself. I do accomplish a lot. It sure doesn’t help that I beat myself up all of the time.

So, here’s a little pat on the back. I didn’t sleep well last night. Once the sun started rising, instead of laying in bed brooding further, I got up and went for a walk. I looped all around town until it started raining on me. And just a few minutes ago, I was beginning to rummage the leftover Chinese food in the fridge. I know that I have way better choices around me. However, I stopped when I realized that I was just very thirsty. 20 oz of water or so later and I’m mildly content.

I was going to apologize to my boyfriend for being cranky at him, but changed my mind. I started crying again when I was typing it. Maybe I don’t need to apologize. I just wish he understood. I wish he could understand without me having to explain. I wish I didn’t respond so strongly to all these feelings. Its a never ending flood (much like the basement). I don’t think that he and I are going to make it through this together. I just need to accept that possibility and start to build my own life again. I don’t even remember him not being in my life. We’re on about 13 years. Even when we weren’t together, we’ve been together. He’s the only constant that I’ve had in my adult life.

Ok, I’m going to try and be done with my pity party. I’m hopping firmly onto Team Nicole tomorrow. I know that I can do great things with me, I just need to get out of my way.

Grr…

I have issues. Lots of them. I think that the bulk of my weight issues come from my others. The feelings of not being worthy, or valuable, or loved, or a lot of other miserable things that run through my head. I am waiting. Waiting for my boyfriend to return (if he ever decides to), waiting to lose just a few more pounds, waiting to be happy, to finish my degree, waiting to whatever else my procrastination sinks its claws into. I don’t know how to stop. Every now and then, I’ll dig my heels in and concentrate on me, the things that are important to me, that help me. Then somehow I always stumble and sink right back to where I was.

I’m so tired of being miserable all the time. No wonder he doesn’t want to come back. I’d run away from me if I could too. But I can’t, and I need to do better than just cope. I want to thrive and I am just stuck in my head. My insecurities are suffocating me. I require reassurance, but it is kind of meaningless if you have to beg for it. I wish he could be just a bit more sensitive toward me and my menu of issues. Hell, he’s the one that gave me most of them. I want to scream at him that this isn’t fair. Him fleeing to the other side of the world is pretty much him bailing on us… again. I know that he takes care of us, but he’s not here. Presence really matters and he just doesn’t get that. How can you choose to be away and still say that you care?

I need to clean. I need someone to come over while I clean. Just to chat and have company. My daughter just doesn’t fit the bill. I can’t chat with her about real topics. She just talks about the games that she plays and I need adult, substantial conversation. I know that was a topic jump, but it fits in. I NEED to get rid of this clutter. It is squishing me and adding to my unhappiness. *Sigh* can someone just wave a magic wand and fix me?

Oh New Year…

What a great time to start over. I am ready to drag myself out from under my rock, dust myself off, and face the new year. As I type that, I realize that I am not saying it with as much gusto as I would like, but it is as much as I feel. I struggle with depression, and I have been battling myself over the last months. Too many changes, too much pushing on me from my surroundings… I caved. On the bright side, I didn’t regain more than 5 lbs…

I am not making excuses, but there is no way that I will be making it to the gym in the next few days. I have a house of people with the plague, and I am both caring for them and trying not to catch it. It is a miracle that I haven’t, the kids and my boyfriend have been hacking their lungs up for well over a month. Tomorrow, we get to go back to the doctor’s. Woo hoo! I am reinstating my home workout method, starting today. I count reps of certain exercises. The plan is to do that for the days that I do not make it to the gym, and have a planned workout for when I do. My gym bag will be packed shortly and stashed in my car.

How did I manage to not pack on the pounds while not doing anything at all? They really mean it when they say weight is 80% diet and 20% exercise. I didn’t stuff myself, and I still leaned toward my healthier options. I’ve had a few more glasses of wine here and there, but over all I have been pretty balanced. I have been slacking off in the water department. I actually feel thirsty most of my day, I just haven’t filled up a glass to do anything about it yet. After posting this, I’m going to polish off my cup of tea and grab a glass of water.

My personal life is wreaking havoc. I feel like I’m in the middle of a tornado just watching everything be thrust around me. I can’t stop it or even hold onto anything. All I can do is hang on tight to myself. I can rule myself with an iron fist, and I’m going to do it.

Ugh, salt. I feel like a balloon

Yesterday was my daughter’s birthday, and we took her out for dinner. We went to Joe’s Crab Shack and I thought I was doing good getting something that was cooked in a steam pot. I wasn’t. I didn’t take seasoning into account and I believe they use a whole lot more salt than what I should be consuming. My ankles were swollen by the time I got home.

So, today I am drinking water like my life depends on it. I am 48 oz into my day. The only way I know to get the junk out of my system is to flush it out. I have a salad for lunch (with grilled steak), and cucumbers for a snack later. I’m hoping to be back to normal by tomorrow. The food was delicious. They do have some great options. I like that everything isn’t fried. I should just go for something a little more plain next time.

Target: in sight.

My list helped yesterday. It may not have been a perfectly productive day, but I finally got things moving.

Today I would like to exercise more than just walking or my cube circuits. I was looking at the physical requirements for the FBI (an old dream of mine… I heard they needed auditors), and I do not even come close to meeting them. I would really like to make this my physical goal. You are graded on a scale of -2 – 10 , and the tests are: sit ups in one minute, 300 meter sprint (timed), push ups, and 1.5 mile (timed). So, the -2 rank in each of them are:

  • 29 sit ups in a minute
  • 67.5 seconds for 300 meters
  • 4 push ups
  • 15 minutes for 1.5 miles

I now have physical goals. Granted they are the bottom of the barrel FBI goals, but it is on the chart. I keep saying that I want to be more physically fit, but I feel like I’ve been floundering instead of moving forward. This is a very clear target to aim for. I look forward to seeing where I stand.

All things in smaller portions.

Today, I am frazzled. I had a flat tire this morning; it is now fixed. My boss is flying in tomorrow for our month end, and I am late on writing some procedures for him. I have a pile of work that accumulated while I was on vacation and I kind of get paralyzed when I look at it. I stepped off the track for dinner last night as well. I was hungry, but I probably didn’t need the ice cream and fudge for dessert. I had been so focused, I don’t want to deal with an off day. 

I need a list, a very detailed list. I always have a to do list, but today it feels overwhelming. If I break things down into smaller bites, then I can get something done while seeing the progress as I cross things off. This applies to my weight loss goals too. If I look at the 133 lbs I have to lose, it feels impossible. But, if I am looking at my first goal of 27 lbs, then I’m already half way there. I like the 10% goal. It is reasonable, and it can be achieved in an amount of time where I don’t feel like I’ve been working on it forever before I’ve had any real progress. I know that any progress is good, but seeing the number drop on the scale fuels my motivation for another week.

I didn’t pack lunch today either. I’m ordering a salad from down the street, no dressing. I have apple cider vinegar to splash on it. I will save today and be productive. Now to make my list.

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