Monday Weigh In and Issues

Uh oh…

Starting Weight: 268.8 lbs

Last Week:           235.6 lbs

Current:                240.2 lbs

I hate to say it, because I don’t like weighing myself more than once a week, but I’m going to weigh myself again tomorrow. If that is a real influx of weight, then I need to do something. I am weighing out of my next diet bet this week. A weight like that will have me losing, and I don’t want that. I will check again tomorrow. Perhaps the soup that I made last night had more salt than I thought. Or… something. I hope there is something. I already said goodbye to the 240’s, I’m not looking forward to a reunion.

I have discovered that I’m pretty judgmental about how people lose weight. I am against surgery to do it. I realize that there are people that have gotten to the point of life and death when it comes to their weight, but other than that, I believe that people should do the work to get the results. I had been following a blog for over a year. She is overweight and trying to lose weight. I’ve watched her yo yo through a few fads this past year with no success. She just doesn’t stick with anything much beyond the initial water weight loss. Now, she wants to go for gastric bypass surgery. She’s talking about all of her food restrictions before and after the surgery, and how she’s looking forward to it because she thrives with set rules. No you don’t! If you did, then you would have stuck with your initial diet of eating healthier and moving more. She had a plan and did great while she stuck with it. Surgery isn’t an easy way out. It won’t bring you to your goal. You still need to work. If you’re a food addict before, you still will be after. Only now, a binge could be fatal. She needs to exercise and restrict her calories for a while before the surgery. I’m hoping that she’ll realize that is just what she needed to do all along. We are worth the effort and time. In a world where we want everything now, I can see why we want our results quicker too. We didn’t get here overnight. We’re not going to find our way out overnight either.

We need to deal with our issues to make any progress. Something got us here. We buried something, some pain, with the temporary joy that food can bring. Without fixing the problem, we’re going to keep running up against it. I am kind of miserable this week. I should have a newborn snuggled up with me, but I lost my pregnancy earlier this year. I rubbed against that thought at the beginning of October and brushed it off, and a couple of times in the past couple of weeks. Now this morning, it slapped me in the face. I wonder if it was going to be a boy or a girl. I thought boy. I’m going to be thinking about him a lot, and I’m going to come to terms with this somehow. I need to forgive me. I’m not going to add this to the pile of reasons that I hide. I also don’t want to be haunted by these feelings forever. At least, not this strongly.

So tonight, I am heading to CrossFit once again. They will kick my butt, and I will say thank you. I think that I finally recovered yesterday. My legs were quite useless. Good thing I had plenty more boxes to move. Yes, I’m still moving. I’m up to my books. My giant bookcases do not seem to have survived very well. They may need to be replaced. That’s a task for another day.

Music is Therapy

I am moody. I know it. It is almost a joke among my friends. However, my bad moods are not in line with my healthy happy present I am striving for. My biggest brooding topic is my relationship with my boyfriend. We have had a rocky past (off and on again for 12 years). I haven’t forgiven or forgotten any of the catalysts that broke us up before. So, since I’m also obsessive by nature, when I have quiet time with myself I go over every miserable moment in detail. It leaves me feeling deflated, insecure, and hating myself. I have found a bandaid for such a tragic train of thought… music. Not just happy music, that doesn’t do it. By golly, I think I found the song that we will dance to if (when) we get married. Now that is a happy day dream I can roll around my head all day.

I still struggle to focus on the good, the now. Him being gone for so long doesn’t help. But, if I focus on the good thoughts and dreams in my head, maybe I can bring them to me. I really want my happily ever after.

I haven’t lost as much weight as I wanted to by his return. Will he notice the difference? Will he care? Will I give up on my changes once he is back? We haven’t eaten instant potatoes since he left. He’s a meat and potatoes guy. We’ve been light meats and veggies girls. I’ve been lucky to have been slightly isolated for my changes. It is easy to control your environment when you’re the only adult in it. With him, comes chips and dips. He doesn’t believe in organic foods either. We’re not on the same page nutritionally. Maybe he won’t care as long as he’s being fed. On the other side, I can go jogging when ever I want because he’ll be there. I won’t have to put off working out because my daughter doesn’t want to go. She can stay home with him. He used to run track. I wonder if he’d want to run with me. I wonder if I would be ok with him doing that. Or watching me.

And this is why I don’t have caffeine. My train of thought just takes off. I’m going to hit repeat and dance my afternoon away, in my head.

Is today over yet?

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Pumpkin smoothie, yay! Asking for recipes pays off. Other than that, I am just miserable today. I had an interview, and totally kicked butt. However, the hours are not as advertised, so it makes it near impossible for me to accept the position. I then went to donate blood. I was in tears over a pregnancy question (another issue to resolve), and they really had to fish around to get a vein. I had lost my color by the time they got it. And now an evil creature is commenting on my boyfriend’s posts on Facebook. I can’t even go for a jog to clear my head. The stairs make me dizzy. I need more water.

I’m just going to sit here and cry until I have to go pick up my daughter. I see an early night in my future. I’m just done with today.

Breakfast and Procrastination (part 1)

I missed breakfast this morning. I was going to try and muddle through till lunch, but my tummy (and good reasoning) got the best of me. I, sadly, went to go to Dunkin’ Donuts around the corner for a breakfast sandwich. However, right next to them is a little cafe. I figured that I would peek in since it couldn’t be worse for me than Dunk’s. I ended up ordering the Veggie Breakfast Burrito. Oh my goodness, it was so very good. The egg was fluffy and not weighed down with butter or oil. The veggies were fresh; they sliced them right then. I had it on a spinach wrap. What a difference fresh food makes. It was so yummy and I inhaled it. Now I’m stuffed with just a burrito. I don’t feel weighed down or sluggish. That lets me know that I made a good decision. I may have to forget breakfast again…

We have another rainy day. I may brave the elements and go for a walk anyways. I’m feeling ambitious now. It is only 10 am and I’m 50 OZs into my water for the day too. I have a salad for lunch, but it was just the rest of the veggies in my fridge. It isn’t that big. I might have to dive into my oatmeal reserve.

I don’t seem able to finish my post on procrastination. I’ve stumbled upon an issue that I have. Have you ever been defined by something for so long that you’re afraid to change it? It feels like you’ll be losing part of your identity. It is a ridiculous thought. No one thing defines all of us. But knowing something and feeling that it is true are two completely different things. So you hold onto it, even if you’re trying to replace it with something better for you, something that will make you even happier. Trusting in yourself is hard, especially when you’ve been trained to doubt.

I am intelligent, witty, fun, good with numbers, insightful, independent, quick, dedicated, loyal, caring parent. I’m a lot of good things. I know it. How does doubt even creep in here? No one else’s voice should be louder in my head than my own. I can be successful. Hell, I am successful. I can make any positive change in my life that I want. I just need to whole-heartedly decide to do it. That’s my personal pep talk for the day.

Why I’m Fat

Why are you overweight? Do you know? Until you do, you will not be able to maintain a healthy weight. I know exactly why I wrap myself in extra pounds. I come face to face with it every time I try and make healthy changes in my life. Instead of conquering my issue, I run away and dive into a bucket of ice cream (for starters). I want this time to be different. Part of facing it is talking about it, and you fine people will be my sounding board.

I do not like or want attention drawn to my physical person. I’m not shy, but I don’t want to be noticed. For each weight loss attempt, I do wonderfully in the beginning and then I stop. Want to know when I stop? Usually around 30 lbs lost, and people start noticing. “Wow, you look great!” “Have you lost weight?” Whatever, the comments come and I want to hide. So I do. I bury myself in all sorts of things, extra layers of clothes, extra layers of me, the clutter comes back to my bedroom. I insulate myself from the world.

But that is just a symptom. Why do I hide? I was raped as a child and this was how I coped. I somehow put it together that bad things happen when you get noticed. I drew the wrong person’s attention. I know that it isn’t rational. I know that I don’t need to do this. I know it, but somehow it became very hardwired in me and I don’t know how to break it. 22 years later and that moment still defines me. I hate it.

I did reach my goal weight once. I was a size 22 and made it to a curvy 10. The one thing different that time was how I felt. I felt strong. I could bench press my nephew if I wanted. I was doing free standing squats with a loaded bar on my back. I could fight for me. This was the end result of my attempt with the Body for Life program. It is weight training intensive and I had never worked out with that intensity before. So I reached my goal. What happened next? How did I go back to my old ways?

Just a few short weeks after completing the program, I found out that I was pregnant. I was two months along. I was also determined to have a very fit pregnancy. I followed my food requirements to a T. I kept exercising daily, with some modifications. My pregnancy turned out to be high risk and my Dr. gave me a weight restriction. I was allowed to lift a whopping 5 lbs. I think my purse weighed more than that. I was then limited to walking. All that is fine. I would have stayed the course.

My sister, her boyfriend and my nephew lived with me at the time. There was a fight between them. It was getting physical and I stepped in. There was no way I was letting my sister get thrown around. I didn’t even think of my condition. All ended well, but I got shoved pretty hard. I was physically fine. But after, my mind attacked me. All I could think was how defenseless I was. I tore myself apart. And that was enough to chain me to my old way of thinking. I’ve stayed there since.

I want out. I want strength and confidence. I want happiness and security. I want to live my life without being ruled by fear. And that is why I will fight for me. Each time my mind starts tearing me down, I’m going to chat about it here. I will get that garbage out of my head because I know it isn’t real. I don’t need to keep coping with my past. I have survived it. I am past it. I will lift myself above it and bury it. My past does not define me, my present does. I’m going to make it the best present that I can.

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