Healing… slowly

So here’s something new and exciting. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD. My therapist had an educated hunch, and in a session, she was guiding my memories from here to there and Boom! I curled in a ball and began sobbing. It was like I was a puppet. I didn’t make me do that, it just kind of happened. After we calmed me down and got me back in the present, she said, “I’m confident in my diagnosis. We can start discussing treatment options next session”.

Now, this is some nutty stuff for me, like it’ll challenge a whole lot of things that I’ve held as true for decades. Apparently, PTSD also causes my disconnect that I have between what I know and what I feel. And add to the list my obsessing, feelings of self-loathing, anxiety, depression, weight… All of this lousy stuff I’ve been carrying around and labeling as part of my personality. I’m a whole better me, underneath. I just need her help to get me there now.

I am eager and terrified all at once. It is a peculiar feeling. I know treatment will help me and make things a whole lot better. Yay! I know it is going to be way harder than my last session and it felt miserable and near impossible. Boo! She says that I agree with her suggestions far faster than she thought I would. My answer is simply that I know that she’s right, and although I don’t want to go through more pain, I know it will truly be better on the other side. She likes my logical approach.

In other news, I have reinstated my weekly goals. They are tiny ones because I am so far off my healthy living wagon that I can’t even catch up with a scooter. If I go back to all my changes I made at once, then I’ll be overwhelmed and crash out. Three cheers for self awareness! This week (I’m on day 2) I will make my step goal of 10k steps every day. I’m also trying to log my food and water again, but I’m not forcing it or being strict with it just yet. I’m going baby steps so that I don’t freak me out and rebel… against myself. Weird crap right there. One of my future goals will be to battle my processed sugar intake. Gummies and Twizzlers shouldn’t be a main food group, but there they are. I bought a dehydrator yesterday. My banana chips are fantastic and I have strawberries going now. I know we still have sugar there, but it feels less evil and processy. Plus! I’ll be able to make my own trail mixes that I won’t be allergic to since I won’t be dousing them in preservatives.

That’s all for now. Just a quick update. I hope everyone is doing well 🙂

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One thought on “Healing… slowly

  1. At least a diagnosis is a step to dinging treatment and getting better!!
    It sounds so scary but I am so pleased about the small steps you are making! Before you know it they will add up to big ones!!

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