Yet more progress

Walking more, cleaning more, eating more (oops), and planning more. Part of my resolutions this year was to take even better care of me. This will include finding a new primary care doctor and actually going through all of the screening tests that are recommended. While my blood pressure has always been fantastic, I have no idea where my cholesterol or blood sugar is. I would like to find out so that I am able to correct any issues before it is too late.

So, with my new health insurance, that comes with my new job, also comes a nifty web site where I can be coached and taught all about improving my health and well being. I took my beginning health assessment and learned that I am too short for my weight and that I worry way more than is healthy. I already knew this, but now I can learn more and put these healthy tips that they throw at you into play in my life. This is where my thought for a new primary care doctor came in. My current one is way to far away now that I have moved. It requires three highways and, well, I just don’t like to drive. So, I did some research and found a new one that happens to be taking new patients, and lo and behold, she is only 2.1 miles from my house. If I felt ambitious, and planned ahead, I could walk there. Perhaps when I can see sidewalks, around June when all this snow has melted. I will call on Monday and make an appointment.

I was grumpy as hell yesterday (freakin’ Valentine’s Day). My boyfriend, once again, had me as an afterthought. I, in turn, did the only thing I could see as reasonable at the time. Cried myself to sleep. I obviously need to work more on my positive thinking because I, very completely, tore myself to shreds. He knows nothing about this and thinks that everything is fine. I’m fine. Everyone is happy. Why don’t I tell him how very disappointed I was? Because I (am a coward) don’t want to hurt his feelings. How could he not know that I was completely crushed? Does he not remember last year? He said he was sorry he didn’t think about doing anything for me. Just once, I wish I was a priority. I don’t want to be an afterthought. I want to be a plan. Here I go again with the stupid tears. My value does not depend on others. *sigh* I just wish he cared. I wish I mattered to him. I wish I was worth just a little bit of effort. So I ate three cupcakes. They weren’t worth the calories and I’m beating myself up about that too. I’ve cleaned all day because I need to feel some tiny bit of control in my life. I need to tackle this somehow. It just isn’t good for my mental health. I don’t want to tell him though. I feel silly. Or I’ll pack my feelings down and ignore it as best I can.

Tomorrow is another day of me increasing my activity level. I’m going to have to start off with shoveling though, then I’m actually going to try exercising. I’m shooting for stretching and teeny tiny hand weights. I’ll keep going with these baby steps until I’m back to 100% I’m going to get there!

Stress ate my lunch

Stress. It is going to be my undoing today. I’m at work. My food was planned out for my day, and my lunch box is now empty. I’m pretty sure that all my extra fretting has burned through my calories. I am soooo very hungry. Do I brave the vending machine? Run and grab something to eat from the cafe down the street? Or, suck it up for 2 hours till I get home. I will be ravenous by the time I hit the dinner table. That has me anticipating a binge. I think there is even pizza in the fridge.

I just checked my stats, and I have consumed about 632 calories so far today. I don’t feel like that is low, since I still have dinner looming ahead. Of course, sitting here obsessing about food isn’t going to help. I wonder if my closet is done yet. I wonder if he went grocery shopping. I wonder if my stomach will shut up if I drown it in another 20 ounces of water. I wonder if I have time for a quick jaunt around the building before my training session starts again. I’ll give it a whirl.

All things in smaller portions.

Today, I am frazzled. I had a flat tire this morning; it is now fixed. My boss is flying in tomorrow for our month end, and I am late on writing some procedures for him. I have a pile of work that accumulated while I was on vacation and I kind of get paralyzed when I look at it. I stepped off the track for dinner last night as well. I was hungry, but I probably didn’t need the ice cream and fudge for dessert. I had been so focused, I don’t want to deal with an off day. 

I need a list, a very detailed list. I always have a to do list, but today it feels overwhelming. If I break things down into smaller bites, then I can get something done while seeing the progress as I cross things off. This applies to my weight loss goals too. If I look at the 133 lbs I have to lose, it feels impossible. But, if I am looking at my first goal of 27 lbs, then I’m already half way there. I like the 10% goal. It is reasonable, and it can be achieved in an amount of time where I don’t feel like I’ve been working on it forever before I’ve had any real progress. I know that any progress is good, but seeing the number drop on the scale fuels my motivation for another week.

I didn’t pack lunch today either. I’m ordering a salad from down the street, no dressing. I have apple cider vinegar to splash on it. I will save today and be productive. Now to make my list.

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