Grr…

I have issues. Lots of them. I think that the bulk of my weight issues come from my others. The feelings of not being worthy, or valuable, or loved, or a lot of other miserable things that run through my head. I am waiting. Waiting for my boyfriend to return (if he ever decides to), waiting to lose just a few more pounds, waiting to be happy, to finish my degree, waiting to whatever else my procrastination sinks its claws into. I don’t know how to stop. Every now and then, I’ll dig my heels in and concentrate on me, the things that are important to me, that help me. Then somehow I always stumble and sink right back to where I was.

I’m so tired of being miserable all the time. No wonder he doesn’t want to come back. I’d run away from me if I could too. But I can’t, and I need to do better than just cope. I want to thrive and I am just stuck in my head. My insecurities are suffocating me. I require reassurance, but it is kind of meaningless if you have to beg for it. I wish he could be just a bit more sensitive toward me and my menu of issues. Hell, he’s the one that gave me most of them. I want to scream at him that this isn’t fair. Him fleeing to the other side of the world is pretty much him bailing on us… again. I know that he takes care of us, but he’s not here. Presence really matters and he just doesn’t get that. How can you choose to be away and still say that you care?

I need to clean. I need someone to come over while I clean. Just to chat and have company. My daughter just doesn’t fit the bill. I can’t chat with her about real topics. She just talks about the games that she plays and I need adult, substantial conversation. I know that was a topic jump, but it fits in. I NEED to get rid of this clutter. It is squishing me and adding to my unhappiness. *Sigh* can someone just wave a magic wand and fix me?

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