I have issues. Lots of them. I think that the bulk of my weight issues come from my others. The feelings of not being worthy, or valuable, or loved, or a lot of other miserable things that run through my head. I am waiting. Waiting for my boyfriend to return (if he ever decides to), waiting to lose just a few more pounds, waiting to be happy, to finish my degree, waiting to whatever else my procrastination sinks its claws into. I don’t know how to stop. Every now and then, I’ll dig my heels in and concentrate on me, the things that are important to me, that help me. Then somehow I always stumble and sink right back to where I was.

I’m so tired of being miserable all the time. No wonder he doesn’t want to come back. I’d run away from me if I could too. But I can’t, and I need to do better than just cope. I want to thrive and I am just stuck in my head. My insecurities are suffocating me. I require reassurance, but it is kind of meaningless if you have to beg for it. I wish he could be just a bit more sensitive toward me and my menu of issues. Hell, he’s the one that gave me most of them. I want to scream at him that this isn’t fair. Him fleeing to the other side of the world is pretty much him bailing on us… again. I know that he takes care of us, but he’s not here. Presence really matters and he just doesn’t get that. How can you choose to be away and still say that you care?

I need to clean. I need someone to come over while I clean. Just to chat and have company. My daughter just doesn’t fit the bill. I can’t chat with her about real topics. She just talks about the games that she plays and I need adult, substantial conversation. I know that was a topic jump, but it fits in. I NEED to get rid of this clutter. It is squishing me and adding to my unhappiness. *Sigh* can someone just wave a magic wand and fix me?

4 thoughts on “Grr…

  1. I really wish I knew how to help!
    I really wish I lived closer so I could come over and chat (and listen!) because I would!
    You are doing so well to keep getting up and fighting back, tackling one thing at a time is all you can do! All you can control is you pick one thing to do that you can change and rush to meet it rather than wait! (I know this is very easy to say and terrifyingly hard to do!)
    I am sending you a virtual hug from over here and you can always come bother me at my blog if you need a virtual ear! My email is in there somewhere too!! I have such respect for you for putting all this out there! (Hug) x

    • Thank you so very much. I appreciate the encouragement and hug πŸ™‚
      I just keep beating myself up about everything. I’m kind of glad that he doesn’t know how miserable I am. I would feel more pathetic than I already do. I don’t even know what to tackle anymore. I have so much to try and stay on top of. It was so much nicer when I didn’t have to do it all alone. Sitting home every night is a lot better when you have someone to snuggle with.

      • I agree πŸ™‚ I is nicer not to be alone!
        But you are strong enough to keep going, you have shown it by keeping coming back to this blog!
        Look at what you have achieved, despite the setbacks you are keeping going and that is a big positive! Pick one small thing to focus on each day and be proud if yourself for doing it, focus on the positive πŸ™‚
        It is hard to do things alone, but you should be so much prouder if yourself because you are doing it alone! And you won’t be for ever! X

  2. Change the mindset a bit darling. Other are not making a particular feeling. In fact they generally are so absorbed in themselves that they do not even recognize others reactions to their actions.

    There may be a hint of jealousy or sadness in lack of progress or accomplishment, but all we need to do is re-center our focus on the goal and improve where we are deficient.

    You have come so far and have developed so much that it is inspiring in numerous respects. Keep focusing on what you have done and the impact that you have had on everyone around you. You are doing great!

    Clifford Mitchem
    Advocare Distributor
    Nutrition + Fitness = Health

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