Why I’m Fat

Why are you overweight? Do you know? Until you do, you will not be able to maintain a healthy weight. I know exactly why I wrap myself in extra pounds. I come face to face with it every time I try and make healthy changes in my life. Instead of conquering my issue, I run away and dive into a bucket of ice cream (for starters). I want this time to be different. Part of facing it is talking about it, and you fine people will be my sounding board.

I do not like or want attention drawn to my physical person. I’m not shy, but I don’t want to be noticed. For each weight loss attempt, I do wonderfully in the beginning and then I stop. Want to know when I stop? Usually around 30 lbs lost, and people start noticing. “Wow, you look great!” “Have you lost weight?” Whatever, the comments come and I want to hide. So I do. I bury myself in all sorts of things, extra layers of clothes, extra layers of me, the clutter comes back to my bedroom. I insulate myself from the world.

But that is just a symptom. Why do I hide? I was raped as a child and this was how I coped. I somehow put it together that bad things happen when you get noticed. I drew the wrong person’s attention. I know that it isn’t rational. I know that I don’t need to do this. I know it, but somehow it became very hardwired in me and I don’t know how to break it. 22 years later and that moment still defines me. I hate it.

I did reach my goal weight once. I was a size 22 and made it to a curvy 10. The one thing different that time was how I felt. I felt strong. I could bench press my nephew if I wanted. I was doing free standing squats with a loaded bar on my back. I could fight for me. This was the end result of my attempt with the Body for Life program. It is weight training intensive and I had never worked out with that intensity before. So I reached my goal. What happened next? How did I go back to my old ways?

Just a few short weeks after completing the program, I found out that I was pregnant. I was two months along. I was also determined to have a very fit pregnancy. I followed my food requirements to a T. I kept exercising daily, with some modifications. My pregnancy turned out to be high risk and my Dr. gave me a weight restriction. I was allowed to lift a whopping 5 lbs. I think my purse weighed more than that. I was then limited to walking. All that is fine. I would have stayed the course.

My sister, her boyfriend and my nephew lived with me at the time. There was a fight between them. It was getting physical and I stepped in. There was no way I was letting my sister get thrown around. I didn’t even think of my condition. All ended well, but I got shoved pretty hard. I was physically fine. But after, my mind attacked me. All I could think was how defenseless I was. I tore myself apart. And that was enough to chain me to my old way of thinking. I’ve stayed there since.

I want out. I want strength and confidence. I want happiness and security. I want to live my life without being ruled by fear. And that is why I will fight for me. Each time my mind starts tearing me down, I’m going to chat about it here. I will get that garbage out of my head because I know it isn’t real. I don’t need to keep coping with my past. I have survived it. I am past it. I will lift myself above it and bury it. My past does not define me, my present does. I’m going to make it the best present that I can.

6 thoughts on “Why I’m Fat

  1. Hey Home Girl. I thank you for your honesty. I enjoy reading your blog. You write clear and precise. I know it is easier said than done, but stay strong. You can lose weight and be happy in the process. Inch by inch, life’s a cinch. Yard by yard, life’s very hard. When life throws you a curve, wait for it to cross the strike zone and then WHAM!, smash it for a home run. If you miss the pitch, don’t worry, you will get another one. If you strike out, you will get another at bat. Batter up!

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